The Lesson of the Four Principles

In the Catholic Church, there are seven sacraments, which are special blessings or gifts from God. They are (in order of their reception): baptism, reconciliation (confession), the Eucharist (Holy Communion), confirmation, marriage, holy orders (becoming a priest – only a man who devotes his life to God can receive this one), and anointing of the sick (last rites). In order to receive each sacrament, there is a great deal of preparation beforehand. There are theoretically certain criteria that must be achieved, including a minimum age for those that grow up catholic.

Today my sweet little sisters talked about the four principles of the gospel (they indicated there are actually five, but only talked about four): faith, repentance, baptism, and confirmation. It was fun because they had forgotten their little cut-outs for the visual lesson and were trying to decide what to do. I half-jokingly suggested that they act it out, and so we did. Their analogy was that I was driving a car and came to a big puddle. As I pondered how to get across, a carpenter came up and said that he would build me a bridge to get across for free. I accepted and drove across. Next I came to a bigger puddle, and the carpenter again came and said he would build a bridge for me, but this time would charge me $4.00. I accepted and I drove across. Once across, I approached home but before I could get from my nearby parking place into my home, I had to have a path to follow and once that path was laid, I could complete my journey and be welcomed home by those waiting for me.

Sister Creswell then explained that the carpenter was Christ. He was always there to help me. As I started my journey, He was there to help me. I continued along with his help, but there came a time when He asked me for four dollars, and each of those dollars was one of the four principles. Once I agreed to pay that price, he guided me and lay the straight and narrow path that would lead me to my eternal home with Him. They started talking to me about these things, and said that some of them might be scary; that I might think I am not ready for them, but that they are all intertwined and come from faith that through baptism and the confirmation of the Spirit, that my path will be guided.

Although I went into these lessons with the clear understanding that I did not plan or expect to be converting any time soon, they are deeply moved by my faith and my growing testimony of the scriptures as well as by the truths that are taught by the LDS faith that are truths I have always known within my own soul. I did not expect to have the thoughts and feelings I have experienced with regard to my experiences with this (or any) religion. But as our time together drew to a close, I became very nervous. I got what I believe to be a message from the Spirit that they are preparing to ask me to be baptized.

Coming from a strong catholic background, it is very hard to shake certain ideas, one of which being the idea that sacraments are something that must be slowly prepared for an earned. My mother had refused to let me make my first communion when the rest of my peers in catechism (religious school) did because she deemed me not ready (even though I had more “book smart” knowledge than anyone in my class). Preparation for confirmation was excruciating, because the teacher I had spent much more time telling us stories about his experiences – none of which could be related to my adolescent life.

The sisters talked of covenants made with God, and referred to baptism as the first one. To me, the idea of a covenant is so much more than a mere promise. It is a sacred oath, and should not be made lightly. I take the giving of my word very seriously, and so the thought of making a covenant is something that I feel must be made with the purest of heart and absolute intention of not breaking it. Marriage, in my eyes, should be a covenant. When I married - although admittedly I should have not done so with Dayn – I could have and would have honored that vow, had he done the same. So to make a covenant with God, for me, is to be made only with the knowledge that I will not break it.

Now, obviously, as a Catholic, being baptized at about one month old, I could not make a covenant like that. But Catholics believe it is a sacrament; a gift. It is not a covenant. I am not certain what Mormons believe about their “traditional” baptism at age 8 – because I do not think a child can comprehend the seriousness of what a covenant should be. But as an adult convert, where choice is absolute, I think there is a much greater responsibility to be prepared to receive baptism and confirmation.

So I am struggling to reconcile the Catholic notion of baptism and confirmations as something that is earned, yet a gift (any maybe they say it is a covenant, but my greatest impressions were not about a promise to God, just about the blessing from God) with the notion that I could be baptized with so little preparation, especially when it is a covenant. This seems to be the ultimate test of faith; one I am not sure how to handle.

Until recently, I had never “given the devil his due”. What I mean by that is that although I believe in his existence (and my belief in his has been in tandem with my belief in God, so to believe in one was to accept the other), I have never really given him credit for the things that he has done to influence me. I have taken on full responsibility for my own actions. But the truth is that I know he is working against God – but not by making me do “bad” things; but rather that he introduces influences that are subtle enough for me not to see them for face value: things like fear and my constant “need” to over-analyze every single thought, action or feeling I ever have. Fear is by far and away the most harmful influence in my life, and it is very clear to me that my all-consuming fear has been his efforts to get in between God and me.

And here is the truth – the words I have not yet dared utter: I know, and have for a period of time now, where my path is going. I know I will be baptized. I know it as sure as I know I am writing these words. But, I am struggling. I am struggling to feel worthy of it, when I feel like I have so much more to know. I just had to ask someone 5 minutes ago what a fireside is. And it is just a name for a certain talk. No big deal if I didn’t know it. But my experience is that I must be prepared. And indeed, if this is a covenant rather than just a gift/blessing from God, shouldn’t I be EXTRA prepared??  Is it not wrong to enter into a covenant that I don’t understand? How can I promise to be a member of this church when I don’t even fully know what is expected of me?

Of course, that is not my only fear. I have a deep seated fear of the public/social ramifications of the baptism itself, not to mention the distance it will create between myself and the last few vestiges I have of a “family”, because not one of them will understand or respect my choice. I know my “friends” will respect my choice (at least to my face, although I’m not naïve enough to think they will maintain that respect behind my back). And while ultimately, I need only know within my own soul what is true for me, it is terrifying to try to imagine how truly alone I will be at that point (because no matter how alone I have felt thus far, there have always been people that supported me no matter what that I do not think will support me in this). I’m terrified about what this will do to my relationship with my son. I’m terrified to be acknowledged in church as being new member (and part of me resents that it has to be a public “spectacle”, even though I understand that is not what they are trying to do). Mostly, I’m afraid of failing. I have spent so much of my life away from my Father that I don’t want to mess up again. I don’t want to let him down.

And this brings us all back to faith. The lesson today touched on faith and how no one has perfect faith. But faith has eluded me for so much of my life. To have faith has always meant to be let down.  I put faith in so many people who only ever hurt me, like my mother and siblings. And yes, I realize and do believe that God will not let me down – he will not disappoint nor hurt me. He need not prove that to anyone, but he has proven it to me. Every day that I wake up and make time to pray and read the scriptures it is blatantly obvious. But fear has only ever been my constant companion. I’ve come a long way in the last year and a half since I vowed to banish it from my life. But Satan lives, and he is cunning and disguised, and he will not give up so easily.

My “homework” was to read 2 Nephi, Chapter 31, to “find” the fifth principle of the gospel. I just read it, and the fifth principal is eternal life. It is living forever in the glory of God in His kingdom. It is the tenet which has most attracted me to my investigation of the LDS faith. It is thoughts of an eternal life (with an eternal family) which I desire more than any other thing. It is enough to give me the faith that I can enter into a covenant of baptism with God because I can’t imagine anything I wouldn’t do to obtain it. And even as I write these words, it is a testament to the influence of Satan because I feel the fear once again take my heart. The fear that I am not worthy of that eternal life. The fear that even if I obtain it, that I will be alone, because to be baptized is to possibly lose what little family I do have. And I am aware that my faith is being tested.

I am comforted knowing that God has blessed me with the gift of immediate answers to my prayers. So I will pray. I will pray for protection from Satan’s influence. I will pray that he bless me with family that I may not be alone through eternity. I will pray that he strengthen my understanding that my faith need not be perfect. It just need be. And it is. And for that, I am truly blessed, and will give Him thanks.