I really feel like my spiritual journey took a turn for the better with the dawn of 2012. I was in the middle of a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation: I was unemployed, and my mother and youngest brother had been staying with Julian and I for two months (and would be there for another 2 1/2), and I realized how quickly I was approaching my 40th birthday. I have never been one for serious New Year's Resolutions, but I made a promise to myself to be in the best holistic shape of my life when I turned 40. For me, this meant that I wanted to be actively working on all aspects of my life, including (or perhaps mostly) my spiritual being. At this time, I had only rediscovered my belief in God just over a year ago (that story will be forthcoming in part two of my "In the Beginning..." story), and was of the mind that religion was not part of my path.
I must explain one thing about my lack of belief in God. Over time, I came to have a knowledge of a higher power, because too many people had come into my life to bless it with something that I needed, just at precisely the right moment. I understood the significance of this and could not deny that there was a connection between the needs I would have and the people that would show up to meet those needs. I called that power "the universe" and thought of it in rather Jungian terms as being a connection to others through a "collective unconsciousness". I saw it as a connection of all of the collective energy that flowed through the universe - as a connection not between conscious thoughts, but through the unconscious thoughts and energy. As I became able to describe that belief, I became acutely aware of a "gift" I had that was absolutely overwhelming: it the was uncanny ability to manifest my needs. Now, I'm not talking about corporeal needs such as money, but when I needed a blessing, such as extra strength to get through a particular trial, I found that if I put a conscious acknowledgement of that need out to the universe, I would always (and almost immediately) receive what I needed. It was rather overwhelming to discover this "gift", but it would play a huge part in my return to God.
Back to 2012. I had just committed to work on my holistic improvement. As part of that, I prayed to God to give me what I needed to keep that promise. As the year started to pass, I started exploring spiritual philosophies. My relationship with God was ever-growing, through my daily conversations with him. I was surprised to find that my "gift" had another component: I could not only manifest things that I needed, but could be blessed with things that I wanted. Now you have to understand that my life experiences have led me to be the kind of person that believes that anything worth having must be gained through one's own labors. So I wasn't asking for things to be delivered to me outright, but rather needed some divine help to be of a mental and spiritual state that I could recognize opportunity when it was presented to me. And so, when I had the courage to speak to God not only about my needs, but about my wants, I was shocked to learn that He would deliver them to me, in the same nearly instantaneous fashion with which He delivered my needs. It was both humbling and embarrassing, really, because I certainly did not feel worthy of His attention. One last note about this: my receiving both my needs and wants has always been contingent on my being very specific about what I wanted/needed. I couldn't just ask for strength: I had to specify what the strength I needed was to be used for, or what specific question I wanted answered. Specificity was the key.
Flash forward to last week. I had a meeting with Doug Orton, who is the bishop of the Murray 22nd ward where I have been attending church and "investigating". Doug had introduced me to the sister missionaries that were assigned to his ward (I apologize if my use of the word "assigned" is improper. Perhaps I should use the words "called to serve", but I'm not certain on the proper vernacular here) a couple months prior, and I have been receiving lessons from them for several weeks. My meeting with Doug (Bishop Orton) was arranged so as to allow me to speak with him about some concerns I had about my ability to reconcile my life and my beliefs to the teachings of the LDS Church. These had to do with things like my conviction about letting my son make his own choices about his spiritual path - things that I felt would best be answered by someone other than my "little sisters" as I called Sister Creswell and Sister Marino, simply because of their age and lack of life experience. I went into my meeting with Doug with an outline of my questions, but nearly immediately he gave me an answer to one of my questions that negated the need for me to ask many of them. He said to me that all I needed to know was if I had a testimony about Joseph Smith being a true prophet, and if I had a testimony about the truth of the Book of Mormon. He instructed me to pray about those things, and I assured him that I had been.
Two days later, I met with the sister missionaries. They asked about my meeting with the bishop. I told them about his instructions. We had our lesson (which, as per what frequently occurs, turned out to be a side-tracked conversation about just one aspect of their lesson), and at the end of it, Sister Creswell asked me if I was praying to know that the Book of Mormon was true. I told her, as I had told Doug, that I was indeed praying for that. Now, my prayers are most often very informal in nature. I believe that as my Father, I express myself best to God through conversation, such as the conversations I share with my son. It is during those conversations I get to know and understand my child the best, and so I know of no better way to communicate with God than to speak to him humbly, from my heart, in a "normal" conversation. My prayers are usually a conversation with God in which I first and foremost express my gratitude for the myriad of ways that he blesses my life, as well as ask for blessings for those that I love and know need His intervention.
So the morning following the lesson with the sisters, I was showering and talking with God. I expressed my joy and gratitude and as I moved on to the part where I ask him for things, I realized that I was asking him to know the truth and to be guided to a path of righteousness (I doubt I used that exact word because I hate that word - it feels too pretentious to me - but that is the easiest way to describe what I was asking for). it hit me like a ton of bricks that despite what I had told Sister Creswell, I had not specifically asked to know that this gospel was true. So, of course, I asked him to make it known to me if the words of the Book of Mormon were true.
As happens in "normal" conversations, my talks with God sometimes get off-topic as my mind wanders (and, as I believe, He sends the Spirit to me to begin to answer my prayers - yes, He answers me *that* quickly!), I began thinking of some of the things in the bible and religion that I didn't understand. For some reason (not understood at the time) my thoughts turned to Abraham, and I wondered why God, who allowed his own son to be sacrificed for our sins, would ever ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. How could my loving God ask that of anyone? I know I couldn't make that sacrifice. But then it was all clear: He did make that same sacrifice, and it must have hurt him beyond description. He needed to know if any of his children *could* make the same sacrifice that He would have to make. Maybe it wasn't a test of Abraham's faith so much as His need to understand if any of His children could make the same sacrifice, because He was asking Christ to make that sacrifice for us!! At this point, I redirected my thoughts back to finishing my conversation with God, and I finished my shower, feeling closer to Him because I understood something about Him I hadn't before.
I immediately laid down on my bed and grabbed my scriptures for my morning reading. I was reading from the book of Jacob, and picking up where I had left off, I started with chapter 3. As I finished that chapter, I only got as far as reading the little introduction to Chapter 4 when I began shaking, because the introduction said, in part, "Abraham's offering of Isaac was in similtude of God and His only begotten". Less than five minutes after I had asked God to let me know if the scriptures I was reading were true (and in all actuality, the answer started coming immediately because it was instantaneously that my mind wandered to Abraham, and I know that was the Spirit guiding my thoughts to that story), He sent the Spirit to direct my thoughts, and He provided an understanding of why Abraham was asked to make that sacrifice, and then he confirms the truth of the Book of Mormon by revealing that my new-found understanding was explained in the scriptures!!! He IMMEDIATELY answered my prayer to know if the Book of Mormon contained truth!!!
In the interest of wrapping this post up so I can get to work, I will spare you the pages I could write about the light and giddiness I felt at that time, although if you ask me about it in person, I will gladly share those details with you. Suffice it say that I immediately had to share this experience with a few people that have been an integral part of this journey, because my joy could not be contained. But this experience strengthened my testimony and gave me even further confirmation of His love for me and of the special gift He has given me to have immediate answers to my prayers. And again, I can only express gratitude to Him, for words fail me that could even begin to express how beautiful and faith-strengthening this experience has been.
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